Fall arrived yesterday, and Matt is tired of hearing me say that I absolutely love this season. I love the fall colors on the trees, Halloween, the crisp air, the crunching of leaves underfoot. I posted two pictures that I took last fall during a walk from our apartment to a not-so-near bakery. If you look closely at the second picture, you can see all the colors of the trees in the distance through the fog. THAT is what I love about fall.Yesterday also marked the first day that we used the heater. The thermostat in the bedroom is automatically set to turn on when the room temperature hits 65 degrees. While trying to fall asleep, I heard the hum of the heater kick in…something I hadn’t heard for months. I will have to get used to falling asleep to that again, just like I had to adjust to falling asleep to the whir of our fan during Seattle’s warmer days.

I can also tell when fall is here because the bed sheets are cold when I crawl into bed. I keep a pair of thick socks next to the bed to wear when I fall asleep and when I wake up. Somehow they always get taken off in the middle of the night. Last year, we had a really crisp set of sheets on our bed, and we wondered why we were always shivering when we crawled into bed until we changed the sheets. This year, we have a set of flannel sheets that we will definitely be using all winter.

Matt always falls asleep first, so last night as he was already in a deep sleep, I was still trying to fall asleep. But I had really, really bad gas (thanks to dinner at a Korean tofu restaurant). I kept farting and finally thought, “These are too potent to keep to myself.” I didn’t want to do a Dutch oven to Matt and abruptly interrupt his sleep. Instead, the next time I farted, I slightly lifted up the blanket, which was snug up against Matt’s neck, so that the fumes would come out from under the blanket. That way, it wouldn’t be obvious (like a Dutch oven) that I was trying to wake him up. Immediately, he began coughing and grumbled, “UGH, you stink!!” Beneath the blankets, he kicked me further toward my side of the bed and said, “Face your butt away from me!!” I was cracking up so hard I started to cough. “See, you stink so much that you can’t even breathe!” But he was soon back asleep while I was still snickering to myself. Ahh…I love married life.

Happy autumn!

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord…For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139: 1-4;13-14

I was scheduled to lead devos this week (and, despite having been in Toastmasters for nearly a year, I *still* dread leading devos!), so I shared about seeing the Bodies exhibit and this passage in Psalms, which I happened to read last week. I found those verses encouraging, especially knowing that God knows our thoughts and our beings so well–even better than ourselves. When I have thoughts that seem strange and disturbing to me, even to the point of wondering if I could speak them aloud, I am reassured that God hears, doesn’t judge me, and knows that it’s all a part of who I am.

“You may be a little wacko, but I knew that before you were born, and I don’t love you any less,” I imagine God saying.

The last time I led devos, I read some verses from Job 38 and 39, where God responds to Job’s demands for God to tell him why he is enduring all the suffering. God doesn’t answer Job’s questions, but instead spouts questions about his power as Creator of the universe (not to be confused with He-Man, Master of the universe). God says, “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Who marked off its dimensions? Who shut up the sea behind doors…Have you ever given orders to the morning or shown the dawn its place…Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of hail…Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons…Who let the wild donkey go free? Will the wild ox consent to serve you? Do you give the horse his strength or clothe his neck with a flowing mane?”

And He goes on for two chapters in a similar fashion, bringing up imagery of nature’s beauty and the hidden life of wild animals that man rarely sees. I can see Job feeling smaller and smaller as God continues. But after reading these chapters, and then after reading the psalms mentioned above, how could we NOT be in awe of God who created our human body parts that miraculously work together and run on their own, or who orchestrated the oceans, stars, trees, mountains, and all of nature to survive cohesively? Sometimes we strive so hard to understand God, but if He really is this amazing being who created US, doesn’t it make sense that we don’t completely understand Him?

I really need to just close this binder of old blog entries for awhile, because I’m getting kind of sad reading everything, mainly about friends and memories in Sac and the Bay Area. When I read about the community of friends I grew up, which is so different even now when we’re all back in Sac together, it makes me wonder if we’ll ever have that same tight-knit group as before.

I think a lot of it has to do with many of my friends being guys and my being a girl. (really??) One entry talked about how I was hanging out with four of the guys (I’m assuming Matt O., ET, Jon and Josh) at the playground across from the Ongs’ house and how we were talking about how we thought things would be like in the future…who we’d be married to, where we would be living, etc. We also said we’d return to the playground every year to hang out. I remember trying to arrange that the following year (because, to me, you can’t mention doing something and NOT follow through!), and then being thoroughly disappointed and discouraged when no one else showed interest in doing it. Of those four, I’m most in touch with ET, occasionally Josh, but not Matt or Jon.

Or “getting together and making our stupid jokes from movies like T2 or Top Secret or joking about ceiling fans. It’s hard to imagine how many dumb inside jokes we have that make absolutely NO sense if anyone else hears them.” Or having study sessions at Buckthorn’s with Dorc and Kit, and saying “BRB” whenever we left the table to use the bathroom.

I’m definitely more into smaller groups now…like spending time with Dorc one-on-one as opposed to just getting a whole gang together to see everyone, although sometimes that is necessary if we want to see people. But overall, I think I am nostalgic for a time in history that cannot be brought back. And even if we were all brought back to Sacramento at the same time, things would still be different.

In my last entry, I mentioned going through old blog entries. Here’s one of my first ones, dated 12.03.01, when I was in the height of all the Indy Chick glory (and about four months before Matt and I met via e-mail):

“The greatest enemy of an Indy Chick: GUYS. Just when I think I’m at the height of Indy Chickness, something comes my way and tears me down, making me realize that I still am not the Madeline (Trish and my name for the ultimate Indy Chick) that I am working toward being. It’s so easy to look at relationships and think, “Boy, I’m glad I’m single. I don’t have to consult someone before making plans. I don’t have to be home at a certain time to talk to my boyfriend. I can do whatever I want.” And of course, there are the times when you know you wouldn’t mind those things, but the Indy Chick prevails because you just give yourself pep talks. And on the days when you falter, you cry a little, pray, and then laugh at yourself for being so lame and do something fun. Or you go work out, go to the bookstore, or whatever, to surround yourself with people. Go dancing.

Crushes are good. You see them every once in awhile and just enjoy looking at them because they’re eye candy. And when they’re so sweet and friendly to you, you melt even more. But you know that it’s all just lighthearted fun. You’re not in it for a real relationship. You don’t even care to call them and get to know them too much because you already know that your personalities won’t work together.

But when someone comes around and you know they’re seeking what you’re seeking…even though both of you are not actively seeking it, then there’s a little tension there because you don’t want to just jump into anything. What are they thinking when they ask me to hang out? Am I being pushy if I ask them to hang out again? When those questions come around, it means you’re going down the Indy Chick scale.

This weekend was not good. I don’t usually hang out with the Enemy [what I called a friend that I was having the aforementioned questions about], but we did the past weekend and then this weekend…not that long each time, but just an evening. Then on Sunday, I wanted to hang out again but he needed to get some stuf done. It was already a dark and gloomy winter day, and this didn’t help. I was mostly annoyed at myself for feeling that needy, feeling like I wanted to hang out with a certain person.

I have to think about anything BUT the Enemy. Fortunately, Trish and I are resurrecting the whole Indy Chick movement. The Year of the Horse is also the Year of the Indy Chick, and we’re letting everyone know it. Beware, Enemy…Indy Chicks are back.”

Then in an entry dated 05.29.02, I talk about Matt, who, at the time, I had “known” (via e-mail and phone) for a month and a half. We had *just* met in person and he had just left for Brazil, and I talked about how “this may turn out to be more than friendship, and it’s a mutual thing. One good sign about this is that I haven’t referred to him as The Enemy, as I previously named guys, that posed a threat to the Indy Chick mentality. If we only stay friends, I know we will continue to grow together and encourage each other…if it becomes more, well, that’s exciting, too.”

Sounds like a happy ending, but the blog entries to follow reminded me that it wasn’t an easy journey…

In early 2003, I found myself back from Brazil, living at my parents’ house in Sac, working at my old elementary school, and looking for a new job in LA. In an entry dated 02.25.03, I was not in a good mood because my job hunt was taking longer than I wanted (although I had only been hunting for about a month), and I had already decided to move to LA to be with Matt.

“I’m frustrated because people are suggesting that I find other options in other cities. I know that this is a good option, but at the same time, there is one big reason why I’m moving to LA. I considered moving to the east coast before, but that was before M…and I know that in the future, I won’t look back and regret not moving to the east coast. Moving “for a guy” is almost like an Indy Chick sin to me, so I try to justify it by throwing in other reasons, but the bare truth is that it IS for a guy.

We COULD consider moving to another city together but what is the point of both of us starting off new and broke and not being able to save up much money? It makes sense for him to stay at home and save up money when he gets a job. I really don’t mind moving into his life, to join his circle of friends, serve at his church…because I have been there, seen it all, and feel like I could fit in there…hopefully.”

So I’ll stop there and then fast forward to this one that is sort of the “haha, that’s what YOU think” response to what I just typed. This one is dated 06.02.03:

“Ever since I’ve moved, I’ve become very analytical of my personality, my surroundings, and just my life in general. I thought I had a good sense of who I was before. I thought I knew how I’d react to certain things, how I’d behave in certain situations, how much stronger I was emotionally and spiritually. But upon moving, things have completely surprised me.

I now realize that I’m a more insecure person in a relationship, I read into everything 100% more than I need to, and I eagerly desire to be the Indy Chick that seemed so easy to be before, but now has become a challenge. In fewer words, I realize I’m a total female. This is pretty much how girls are. This has caused me to become a bit disappointed with myself. I’ve only been here [meaning LA] a month, but I already notice changes that result from a battle between Indy Chick and Compromising Couplehood Mel.

One thing that I always seem to talk about is control. When you are single, who controls your everyday schedule? Who determines what you are doing to be doing? Whose life do you have to take into consideration even in the little things? Mine and mine only. But when I moved, I not only had to adjust to securing my own life in LA; I had to adjust to another life that was so deeply intertwined with my own. Although M. gives me freedom and vice versa, it’s not so simple now to plan out my week. Not being familiar with the area doesn’t help either. I feel like the more time I spend with M., the more clingy I become, even if I don’t want to be like that. I have become so highly dependent on M. for even the little things…where is Target? Where can I buy this? Where is the cheapest gas? Things that were second nature for me to know before make me feel so helpless now. Thus, loss of control.

Another issue is this thing about what is mine. I’m talking about areas of my life where I was so confident, assured, and comfortable before…and now, that has all been taken away from me within a five-hour drive between NorCal and SoCal. When we are hanging out with friends, although I consider them my friends now, they were M’s first. When we go to church, it was M’s church first. He has history with everyone and everything we are interacting with. I feel like I really need things that are my own. I like that I have a job now because I finally have something that I started here that was mine from the beginning. It was not M’s to begin with…it was something I sought out on my own and it is a part of my life that is new to him. I recently attended a capoeira class, and it was enjoyable because I was not the newbie tagging along with M. I was my own person, doing something that I am used to…comfortable with…and it’s something that I have brought with me that reminds me of the life I knew up north.

Maybe this is a good thing for me. Maybe it’s forcing me to realize that I need other people…and needing other people means being more lenient and forgiving when people don’t do things the way I am used to. Needing other people means being more humble and patient…means being more trusting of them because I am turning to them for help. This is what being in a relationship is all about…compromise, trust, dependence…yet keeping a sense of independence and teaching one another.”

Man, just reading all that reminded me of all the frustrations during my time in LA, despite the positive experiences of meeting new friends. It also reminds me what a great decision it was for us to move to Seattle and start somewhere new together. AND for all you single people out there who think that having a sig other and being married is a MUST, I say just enjoy being single while you can. ;)

Random things I’ve learned over the past few weeks:

1. It really does pay to not be an impulsive buyer. I have been looking for a black hooded sweatshirt and found one at Old Navy for $17. I also found a dress I really liked at Macy’s but held off on buying it. A few weeks later, I bought it at a 50% discount!

2. I really like how my wedding ring looks when it’s all shiny and clean. It had been really scratched up and was turning yellow, so I had it recoated and it looks beautiful–just like new! Unfortunately, I can already see some scratches on it already. See–that’s why I told Matt not to get me anything too fancy.

3. I enjoy dancing way too much not to be doing it at all. After watching a salsa performance at a friend’s wedding on Saturday, I told myself I had to get out and salsa dance at least once in awhile.

4. I heard two chapel sermons (one live and the other as a recording of an old chapel session) in one day about doing more with our lives to help others. It reminded me that there’s no point in continuing to talk about WANTING to help at a homeless shelter if I don’t commit to doing it.

5. I could read a lot more if I watch less TV. Not like I really watch a lot of TV, but even a half-hour of TV is equal to getting through part of a magazine or a chapter or two in a book.

6. Maintaining a yard really IS a lot of work.

Speaking of learning things, I was going through a binder that contains printouts of all my previous blog entries, going back to 2001. Since I update my blog more than my journal, printing out the blog entries serves as a journal I can keep for the future. It’s pretty funny to read some of them and to think about what I’ve learned about myself since then. I’ve been short on blogging inspiration, so maybe I’ll type up some of those old entries for your reading pleasure.

Last night at dinner, my dad (who is in town to help us with the yard!) told us about someone he knew who took his wife’s last name when they got married. They did it as a statement to show that the wife doesn’t always have to take the husband’s last name. Hear hear! Not to say I don’t mind being an Ip…it’s just that the husband will never understand what his wife goes through in giving up the name that she’s had all her life. Do I miss being a Lee? You bet. I thought about doing the hyphen thing, but two short names being threaded together looks odd: Lee-Ip. That begs more questions than “Ip” does alone.

I suggested to Matt that we should just come up with our own last name. Since I like green and he likes cars, we should be Mr. and Mrs. Greencar. Then when people say, “Your last name is Greencar? Do you guys have a green car? Har har.” I could respond, “We sure do!!” He wasn’t so thrilled about it. Or if we want to keep our last name sounding Chinese, we could be Mr. and Mrs. Looksik-che (that’s “green car” in Cantonese).

Anyway.

My pop arrived Saturday with the purpose of working on the yard, and will be leaving tomorrow. We are focusing on the area that faces the street, but, unfortunately, is not visible from inside the house. Over the weekend, we worked under the blazing sun, dug up roots and grass, graded the hill to be a more gradual slope, and started planting. During the weekday, my dad had to work on his own, but we tried to help out a little when we got home from work.

Last night, we were digging through a pile of dirt to find rocks for the garden. It was like digging for dinosaur bones or diamonds, slaving away over piles of fine dirt to find small treasures. After we gathered the rocks, we set each one in its proper spot in a sloping pattern along the edge of the garden. As we dropped and lifted the shovels repeatedly, we talked about how it must be to do this sort of labor everyday. In California, you see a lot of immigrants working in yards, carefully trimming bushes, mowing lawns, and weeding. It’s no surprise that Americans don’t want to do this work themselves–it’s time-consuming and tiring (but sure is rewarding when you do it yourself!).

But on the other hand, you’ll find Americans complaining about immigrants coming in and taking “our” jobs. I bet if I asked those same people if they wanted to spend 10 hours a day under the sun doing tough labor in their own yard, they’ll be glad that someone–immigrant or not–is willing to be paid to do that job for them.

Working on our own yard has been rewarding, though, from picking out the plants at the nursery to digging holes. I have some “before” pictures, as well as ones that show progress, and will post them once we completely finish working on that area. It’s been tiring (especially for my dad!), but there’s nothing like looking at your yard, remember how it was before, and knowing that your hands had a part in making it look beautiful.

Now, about that mess in the backyard….

10 Things to Expect in Vegas
1. 105+ degree weather outdoors, and then cold air-conditioned hotels, so you never know what temperature to get dressed for.

2. Cigarette smoke indoors and the non-smoking/smoking sections in restaurants that I don’t miss.

3. Skin–girls seem to enjoy wearing bootie-hugging short-shorts that look more like underwear, plus low-cut tops. Then they also wear high heels just to walk up and down the Strip. Are you trying to look like a street walker? Granted, it’s stinkin’ hot there, but still. Is that a reason to look like a hootch?

4. More skin–all the fliers and advertisements for topless shows.

5. Maybe I’m spoiled by friendly people in Seattle, but I noticed tourists and people in customer service were pretty rude (except for the woman who gave me her unexpired bus pass). You have to be with a bunch of skin-baring hot girls (and be one yourself) just to get decent service.

6. It doesn’t matter what time of day you walk on the Strip. The sidewalks are crowded, and you have to dodge guys who are gawking at the skin-baring girls or the people who hand out fliers for strip clubs.

7. High-end stores and snobby salespeople in them. Judging me when I walk into your store wearing non-brand name jean shorts (are those out of style?) is the same as if I judged you for being in customer service. It’s not called for.

8. A gazillion souvenir items with the slogan “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.”

9. Casinos and the greed that you can feel in the air. Not to mention the sad-looking people who sit alone at slot machines as if they are mesmerized. The scariest ones are the ones with slinky cords with one end attached to a rewards card in their pocket and the other end attached to the slot machine. It’s like the machine is literally sucking the life out of the person.

10. The air of indulgence that goes along with the tangible feeling of greed. Buffets, shopping shopping shopping, the need to win money.

All that said, I’m happy if I never have to go to Vegas again. After this weekend’s trip, I was reminded yet again why I despite that place so much. Nothing feels good there. However, I *did* have a good time there–not because of all the things I listed above. The things I enjoyed about this trip were:

1. The Celine Dion concert!!! After being a fan for about 15 years, I figured I should see her concert before she retires. Her voice was even more amazing in person, and even from our seats at the waaayy top, I was still excited to actually see her on the stage below. She did a video duet with Frank Sinatra singing “All the Way,” which is one of Matt and my “songs.” The sets were beautiful, too…some were a little too cheesy and over-the-top, though. But it was well worth the trip there to see her!

2. Met up with Melanie and her friends, so it was fun to see Melanie again and hang out with her.

3. FINALLY saw the Bodies Exhibition, which Matt and I passed up in LA and again in Seattle. Each time, we said we wanted to see it but never made time for it and kept debating if it was worth $26. Well, it was, and I’m glad we went. (Plus, it was smoke-free, uncrowded, and full of people who weren’t dressed like hootchies.) Got to see skinless cadavers (muscles, veins, and all) and learned new things about our bodies. (For example, did you know yawning ISN’T to give our brain more oxygen? Scientists haven’t figured out the purpose of yawning yet.)

Unfortunately for Matt, we did not make it to In-N-Out. It was a couple of miles away from the hotel, so we didn’t want to walk in the heat and also didn’t want to pay for a cab to get there. Matt was really looking forward to it, too.

Those were pretty much the highlights. The hotels still are cool if you have never been to Vegas, but after you’ve seen them once, there’s no point going back. Most of them just have shops anyway, so on top of paying to fly and stay there, the only other thing you can do is spend money in stores that we have back at home.

Speaking of home, it’s really nice to be back. :)