It’s July 31, and we have overcast, sprinkly skies. What is up with summer in Seattle this year?! Part of me is relieved, though. My yard could use the rain. After battling with critters stealing my homegrown lettuce, I finally wised up and strung up some sparkly ribbon and CDs to scare them away. The result? Full heads of lettuce–actually more than we could even eat. I always wondered how the tiny lettuce starts at the nursery fed whole families. Now I know. Growing vegetables has been SO rewarding and exciting.

I was back in Sacratomato from Friday through Tuesday. Matt didn’t come with me, so when he picked me up from the airport on Tuesday night, I said: “I can’t wait to see my plants!”
Matt: “You haven’t seen me for four days, and you just want to see your plants?!”
Me: “Well, I wanted to see you, too, but I’m seeing you right now–so the next thing I want to see is my garden!”

What initially seemed like a semi-long visit to Sac went by so incredibly fast. I saw pretty much all my extended family (got mistaken for being my sister, which is tons better than being mistaken for being pregnant!), got In-N-Out burgers and Rite Aid ice cream, saw Wayne and Ceci get married, finally got a tour of the Jelly Belly factory with my mum, got gardening advice from my dad, and caught up with a couple of friends. Oh, and I was sick. Not fun. I didn’t get much sleep each night because I was sick, so that–coupled with being social–left me exhausted. But I pretty much expect to wear myself out because trips back there, especially without Matt, are so few.

And, as always, I dig through stuff in my old closet, trying to toss a few things every time I’m back. “If you don’t go through things now, you’ll have a lot to go through when we die!” my parents say. No kidding. That’s why I’m doing it now. I can’t imagine having just experienced my parents’ death (not something I want to think about!) AND then having to go through old letters and memorabilia stashed in my old closet? Talk about a sobfest!!

This time around, I found two old notebooks that I had passed between two different friends, each of us taking turns writing letters in them. Talk about boy-crazy drama central!! One friend and I had food names for everyone–I still remember who most of them are, but it got confusing at a point…sushi, sour apple, BBQ, fried shrimp, etc. I also found my old dream journals, which I started back in 1992. Dream journals are almost like diaries. Based on what I dream about, I can tell what’s going on in my life. One of my recurring dreams is the one where my contact lens is too big for my eye. It varies from being the size of a quarter to being like a sheet of paper. My first recorded contact lens dream was in 1999 (the year I first got contacts, in fact)—and I still have the dream. I have only known two other friends who have this dream. I have no idea what it means, though.

Going through those notebooks made me realize just how little I have changed since jr. high, which I guess can be OK because it means I’m consistent in my personality, but also that means I still have the mentality of a jr. higher. Here are some examples:

1. I wrote to my friend that I got a pin that said, “Did you fart or is that a weird beeper?” It still made me laugh when I read that. (That reminded me of the pin that said, “Jesus is coming back. Look busy,” that Kris, Dorc and I thought was hilarious–and got in trouble for because I think one of them bought it.)

2. Back in youth group, when I was in leadership positions, I found myself complaining about having to remind people about things so many times. But that’s what a leader does, right? Willingly lead and guide others? In that case, I’m not a leader. I can organize things, but I don’t want to have to take care of others…then and now. But I always seem to find myself in that position…

3. I was insecure about friendships back then…and sadly, sometimes now. In one letter, I was ranting to Johann about how a friend called my sister and me up, asking if we wanted to go somewhere because more drivers were needed. When I told him I couldn’t get the car, he said, “Well, OK…bye!” I was furious, feeling so used for the car. But my friend’s response was to remind me that I can’t evaluate my friendships based on each day’s circumstances. I think because I can be too sensitive about how someone responds to me, I’m constantly analyzing if I said or did something to offend them. Or also analyzing what someone says to me or how they react, and I base our entire friendship on the most recent interaction. I’m not as bad as I used to be, thank goodness, but I still see traces of that occasionally.

Thankfully, I do see differences since my younger days. I’m not as mischievous and uncaring, and I actually have more of a conscience now. I guess between those characteristics and the ones I listed above, I’m glad I kept the first few, and changed the latter.

It’s helpful to know how I’ve grown…and which areas I still need work in. But I don’t believe we stop learning and growing when we’ve become adults. People can still change, and to a certain extent, I believe we should. It won’t hurt me to work on being less sensitive about friendships or more willing to guide others…but I don’t have to stop laughing at fart pins.