So after just recapping all the activities we did in California, I wanted to share something that I learned during the trip. As I packed for the trip (and I ALWAYS overpack), I realized that as I was going through my outfits each day, I wasn’t concerned about what I wore in Sac. But when it came time to packing for the day in LA, I thought, “What am I going to wear? I always wear the same few t-shirts when I’m back, because I only have a few that fit me right–the rest are too tight or too big.” And I realized that every time I go back there, I’m super self-conscious about what I wear–but not when I’m in Sac or even here in Seattle.

When I was talking to Lisa, who I mentioned in my last entry, she said the same thing to me, even before I said it. She said when she goes to LA, she finds herself caring about what she’s wearing. So why is that? Is it because LA has this reputation for being big on fashion and looks? It’s not like I’m walking around “LA”–I’m just in the Valley among family and friends, so why do I feel this way?

It’s really strange, and I can’t answer my own questions. But what I know is that I don’t like that I react that way. I realized early on during my time living in LA that I became really self-conscious of my appearance–not to the point where I cared enough to buy a new wardrobe or spend more time getting ready in the morning–but I was always aware of how I looked, and how I compared with the people around me. And I really disliked that I was like that. That feeling hasn’t disappeared upon moving to Seattle, but I’m not walking around wondering if people notice that I don’t have brand-name jeans on, or that I don’t own a pair of pointy-toed shoes.

The point of this is not to bash people who do care about those things. The point that I need to focus on is to NOT CARE about what people think about how I look. So what if I am still wearing the same t-shirt I wore when I lived in LA two years ago (which, to many people, having a t-shirt for that long makes it OLD). Matt even knows which t-shirt I’m talking about, and he’s usually pretty oblivious to what people wear. It’s not like I haven’t washed it since then, and it’s not like it’s not still wearable, so why should I be hesitant to wear the same clothes I wore back then? I have to learn from my 10-year-old cousin, who truly believes that what is on the outside does not matter; it’s what is on the inside that counts.

At one time in my life, I really believed it and lived it. I had permed hair, braces, and glasses (hence Matt’s comment, “They let you be a cheerleader looking like THAT?!”)–all at one time, and I was confident about my personality and didn’t second-guess how I looked. I wasn’t cute, but I had the attitude that said, “I don’t care about how I look.”  I look at yearbook photos of when I was in jr. high when I wore my mom’s big parrot earrings, a bandana around my hair, and only wore huge t-shirts. I had some strange outfits. But I would give anything to go back to those days to get back a little of that confidence I carried around so I could exude that now, especially during those trips to LA.

I know this has been an issue for me for awhile now, but by getting it out here, I’m letting everyone know it’s something I really want to work on. I do care too much what people think a lot of the times, and that is one thing that I’m consciously working on in this new year. You’d think that by 30, I’d have a solid grasp of who I am. But I feel like I want to go back to being the person I used to be…and keeping her with me as I enter my 30s.