In early 2003, I found myself back from Brazil, living at my parents’ house in Sac, working at my old elementary school, and looking for a new job in LA. In an entry dated 02.25.03, I was not in a good mood because my job hunt was taking longer than I wanted (although I had only been hunting for about a month), and I had already decided to move to LA to be with Matt.

“I’m frustrated because people are suggesting that I find other options in other cities. I know that this is a good option, but at the same time, there is one big reason why I’m moving to LA. I considered moving to the east coast before, but that was before M…and I know that in the future, I won’t look back and regret not moving to the east coast. Moving “for a guy” is almost like an Indy Chick sin to me, so I try to justify it by throwing in other reasons, but the bare truth is that it IS for a guy.

We COULD consider moving to another city together but what is the point of both of us starting off new and broke and not being able to save up much money? It makes sense for him to stay at home and save up money when he gets a job. I really don’t mind moving into his life, to join his circle of friends, serve at his church…because I have been there, seen it all, and feel like I could fit in there…hopefully.”

So I’ll stop there and then fast forward to this one that is sort of the “haha, that’s what YOU think” response to what I just typed. This one is dated 06.02.03:

“Ever since I’ve moved, I’ve become very analytical of my personality, my surroundings, and just my life in general. I thought I had a good sense of who I was before. I thought I knew how I’d react to certain things, how I’d behave in certain situations, how much stronger I was emotionally and spiritually. But upon moving, things have completely surprised me.

I now realize that I’m a more insecure person in a relationship, I read into everything 100% more than I need to, and I eagerly desire to be the Indy Chick that seemed so easy to be before, but now has become a challenge. In fewer words, I realize I’m a total female. This is pretty much how girls are. This has caused me to become a bit disappointed with myself. I’ve only been here [meaning LA] a month, but I already notice changes that result from a battle between Indy Chick and Compromising Couplehood Mel.

One thing that I always seem to talk about is control. When you are single, who controls your everyday schedule? Who determines what you are doing to be doing? Whose life do you have to take into consideration even in the little things? Mine and mine only. But when I moved, I not only had to adjust to securing my own life in LA; I had to adjust to another life that was so deeply intertwined with my own. Although M. gives me freedom and vice versa, it’s not so simple now to plan out my week. Not being familiar with the area doesn’t help either. I feel like the more time I spend with M., the more clingy I become, even if I don’t want to be like that. I have become so highly dependent on M. for even the little things…where is Target? Where can I buy this? Where is the cheapest gas? Things that were second nature for me to know before make me feel so helpless now. Thus, loss of control.

Another issue is this thing about what is mine. I’m talking about areas of my life where I was so confident, assured, and comfortable before…and now, that has all been taken away from me within a five-hour drive between NorCal and SoCal. When we are hanging out with friends, although I consider them my friends now, they were M’s first. When we go to church, it was M’s church first. He has history with everyone and everything we are interacting with. I feel like I really need things that are my own. I like that I have a job now because I finally have something that I started here that was mine from the beginning. It was not M’s to begin with…it was something I sought out on my own and it is a part of my life that is new to him. I recently attended a capoeira class, and it was enjoyable because I was not the newbie tagging along with M. I was my own person, doing something that I am used to…comfortable with…and it’s something that I have brought with me that reminds me of the life I knew up north.

Maybe this is a good thing for me. Maybe it’s forcing me to realize that I need other people…and needing other people means being more lenient and forgiving when people don’t do things the way I am used to. Needing other people means being more humble and patient…means being more trusting of them because I am turning to them for help. This is what being in a relationship is all about…compromise, trust, dependence…yet keeping a sense of independence and teaching one another.”

Man, just reading all that reminded me of all the frustrations during my time in LA, despite the positive experiences of meeting new friends. It also reminds me what a great decision it was for us to move to Seattle and start somewhere new together. AND for all you single people out there who think that having a sig other and being married is a MUST, I say just enjoy being single while you can. ;)